I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
