Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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