I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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