I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
