from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
