she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
