One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
