So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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