i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
