Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
