...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
