I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
