where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
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