Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
