you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
