Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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