i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
