It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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