Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
