i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
