You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
