How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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