so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
