I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I'm bleeding and have questions
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
