Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
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