i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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