it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Randomize
