The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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