The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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