I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Randomize
