Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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