I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize