woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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