My girlfriend figured out who you are.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
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