I think I just saw someone hide a body.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
