She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
