My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
we should paint friendship bongs
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
