I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
