I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
