my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
ttyl tear gas
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
