And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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