About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
