i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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