What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
