everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
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