its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
