i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
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His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
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I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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