Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
