I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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