I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
