Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
