She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
