It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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