Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
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