some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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