I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
