do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
