Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
the raccoons are back...
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
