barbara walters just said penis...
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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